Allowing myself to feel

I am incredibly bad about letting my emotions show or allowing my feelings to come through. I'll often times come off as hard because of this, but I've been through a lot and I thought allowing my emotions to show was a sign of weakness, I've grown to know that mindset is wrong, but old habits die hard.  Today has been a hard day, one of the hardest. I got engaged on June 29th to the most amazing man and I am being serious, he is incredible and I don't think I could say enough good things about him. I should have been more vocal to him about how amazing I think he is. However, today we called off our wedding so I could continue on the path I was on before, to serve a mission.  The mission never left my mind, it was constantly there and therefore become a constant conversation in our relationship; whether I should go or not.  Zac was nothing but supportive, and encouraged me to make the decision that would enable me to not only be my happiest, but to not have regrets. My mindset was this, and its simple.  I have a righteous desire to serve the Lord, to give back just a little of what I have been blessed with, to impact not only those I serve in my mission, but my companions, my friends, and most of all my family.  A mission would help me become the best daughter of God and disciple of Christ I could be, I want to be the best example and I want to help by being a tool in the Lord's hands to bless the lives around me...theres no better way to do that then to serve a mission.  I want both, to serve a full time mission and to be sealed in the temple for time and all eternity to my husband. In this situation, as selfish as this may be, i am capable of attaining both of my desires, and why shouldn't I be able to go after what I want, everything I want?  The stress weighed on me heavily, I wanted to serve a mission but I so badly wanted to be with Zac too. I prayed, I fasted, I went to the temple, I talked to everyone who had stewardship over me.  We did everything we possibly could to go in the direction that we needed to go. In Doctrine and Covenants 9:8-9, it says:

 8 But, behold, I say unto you, that you must ^astudy it out in your^bmind; then you must ^cask me if it be right, and if it is right I will cause that your ^dbosom shall ^eburn within you; therefore, you shall ^ffeel that it is right.

 9 But if it be not right you shall have no such feelings, but you shall have a ^astupor of thought that shall cause you to forget the thing which is wrong; therefore, you cannot write that which is^bsacred save it be given you from me."

The problem was that both decisions are good decisions and Heavenly Father trusted me enough to make the decision I felt was best for me, part of me wished He wouldnt trust me so much. I have a theory, just hear me out, that your engagement shouldn't be tainted with the ideas of "should I serve a mission?" but here I was having those thoughts. Definitely not bad thoughts, but not ones I should or want to be having when I am engaged, I was torn.  I wanted to be jumping up and down excited, the kind of excited that had no reservations, and part of me did feel that way, but bottom line was I did have reservations, because I so desperately wanted to serve. Trust me, I was excited, and I still am excited about Zac and the possibility that after the mission there might be an us.  He is caring, and selfless and so supportive and understanding. I really don't think I could have fallen in love with a  better man, and I am so lucky...and part of me feels so stupid to be giving him up..to be giving us up...but I haven't forgotten the mission, it is still burning in my heart and mind and I am not one to live with regret if I can help it. I just pray that I wont regret giving him up either. 

When meeting with my bishop today, who is an amazing man, all of those who are in the ward are blessed to have him...he told me that I have experienced a loss, a loss of expectations, a loss of not only someone I love, but even a part of me...and he knows me well enough to tell me that I shouldn't bottle it up, that I need to allow myself to feel, to grieve, to cry.  I've been good about it all day, okay granted I had tears coming down my face at points, but not the noticeable, scrunched up face, weird animal noises and heaving that so often happens to us women as we cry...lets face it, its not pretty. But my mom called me, upon request from my brother who told her of the news before I did...and I lost it. Two women crying is worse than one, but she wouldn't give up so easily when I told her I'd call her tomorrow because I could feel the waterworks and the weight of my chest start to collapse and give in to everything I had been carrying.  I cried, and she cried with me. This isn't normal for me, I bottle things up and I am so good at it! But I allowed myself to hurt, and the raging headache I currently have is a result of that...but its fine. I know that I need to serve a mission, I don't know why or what that reason is but I want to find out. I love Zac, I love us together, I love our potential, I love how funny our relationship is and how he has been there all along and I just was too blind to notice. He really is amazing.  I cant tell everyone enough how thankful I am of those who have been respectful of our decision, your kind texts, messages, comments and calls have been so supportive, so thank you.  My head is pounding, and my eyes hurt so im signing off for the night...but I want to leave everyone with this first.  We are capable of reaching our fullest potential when we have and keep our sights on God, if we align our will with our father in heaven's will, we will be blessed. God knows you personally, he knows your strengths, your weaknesses, your desires and He wants to be there every step of the way if you prayerfully seek Him.  My journey has been hard, and it will continue to be, but I grow through my trials because they are trials of faith. I am grateful for my hardships because as crappy as they are in the moment, they are blessings in disguise. Dont be afraid to cry, to hurt, to grieve when you too are going through something difficult, lean on Christ, you can do all things through Christ, he will help ease your burden. Both Zac and I will grow from our relationship, and from this experience. I pray our paths will intertwine again after the mission, but God has a plan for us, each of us...and im so grateful for that knowledge. Thanks again. Heres some photos of my favorite person and best friend (: