I left my heart in Minnesota

So in Minnesota it is 6:30 am, for all of you return missionaries, you know that right now we would be working out for the day. However, I am in California and its 4:30 am...and well, id love to go out running but I think my mom wouldn't like that, and not having a companion with me already makes me feel weird. I keep looking for her. So since I cant go back to sleep, I decided to write this instead. So surprise! I am home. I was told monday morning on our P-day before I wrote home. However we were hoping I would get to the end of the transfer since its a week away, but mid E-mail I found out my flight would be leaving the next day (yesterday)...and honestly, I just didn't have the heart to mention it in my E-mail because frankly, it broke my heart to know I would be coming home. I just wanted everyone to hear it from me, and not someone else. I have been fairly quiet about it, because well..I was hopeful. Anyways I am home due to health concerns. It was one thing after another that kept happening, it was almost like a series. President Clements told me that he had never seen anything quite like this much adversity to a missionary in such a short amount of time.. But I pushed through it as long as I could and it reminds me of this scripture, its one of my companions favorites and has quickly become one of mine too; "..Go among thy brethren, the Lamanites, and bear with patience thine afflictions, and I will give unto you success" Alma 26:27. I was able to get a CT scan done that showed a kidney stone, however it should have passed by now (its been there for 3 weeks) and so they no longer know what it is. I would get a severe searing pain in my back that would cause me to be incapable at times to work. The hard thing is, I didn't know when it would start or when it would end. It had become a constant worry if I would be in pain that day and if the pain would be too severe that it would be debilitating. I was talked to by President multiple times about the possibility of having to send me home and the possibility that the mission was no longer where Heavenly Father needed me to be. I will be honest and say I was confused, I had felt prompted to go on a mission, and very much so thats where I needed to be. I asked my mission president that question, and he reminded me of the story of Abraham and Isaac. Abraham was instructed by the Lord to sacrifice his only son, his everything, on the altar. Right before Abraham went to sacrifice Isaac, he was directed not to by the Lord. Not only does it symbolize the Father and the willingness of the Son, Jesus Christ, but it is also a trial of faith. A reflection of our obedience and love towards God. Are we willing to put everything on the altar and sacrifice everything for Him? President Clements said that very well in itself could have been my mission; An act of Faith. I will be honest and say that the night before I left the MTC after praying, I got a distinct impression that I need to appreciate every moment, and work as hard as I possibly could because the time on my mission would be cut short due to health. Here is an excerpt from my journal entry the night before I left for Minnesota; "I will miss this experience at the MTC and all that it has given me. I know I need to have faith and not fear. And sometimes, thats really hard to do. I know this work isn't easy, however I do know it is worth it. I cant wait to become more like who He wants me to be and to help others do the same. And in essence both missionary and investigator are growing to be more like the savior. I got a feeling today that I may have to go home early due to medical. I hope that does not happen. I want to serve a full time mission." I couldn't distinguish at the time if it was Satan trying to work on me, or Heavenly Father giving me a fair warning. However everyone knows me well enough to know that I am extremely stubborn...and for something like going home, you can bet I put my foot down at the very thought of it. I think because of my stubbornness President allowed me a lot more chances then he otherwise would have, so i'm grateful for the time that I did have to be a missionary, and although I am now officially released as a full time missionary, ill always be one in heart and spirit. I am grateful that I "bore with patience my afflictions" because I too saw much success. Although my time there was short, I feel like I gained a lifetime of lessons, experiences, and knowledge. Missions do change lives. I will reiterate what my stake president said to me before he released me, "There is nothing in the white handbook that says you need to serve 18 or 24 months to be a return missionary and to do and learn the things that Heavenly Father wants you to do or to learn." I know and Heavenly Father knows that I served with all my heart, might, mind, and every ounce of strength I had. In the amount of time I was there, I became more humble, patient, and my capacity to love grew so much. I was blessed to see the blessings of the gospel and the spirit work in the hearts of others. In my final interview with President Clements he mentioned that before he meets the new missionaries he tentatively plans on where he wants them to serve. He had tentatively assigned me to serve in the Twin City Young Single Adult Ward, otherwise more warmly associated with being called by the missionaries "dinkeytown."I would have been serving among people my own age and on the University of Minnesota Campus. However, after meeting me, he was praying to know if that is where I needed to serve. He said he received one of the strongest impressions he has gotten while as a mission president that I needed to serve in Eden Prairie. He then thought well, I could have her serve in TCYSA and then Eden Prairie, but the prompting had urgency and he didn't understand why, now we do. Opening Eden Prairie was an incredible experience, one that I otherwise would not have gained serving in a young single adult ward. I was able to meet and teach some incredible people whose hearts have softened because of the message of Jesus Christ that we share, but I was also able to have example after example of families, families in the gospel in particular. I was able to see the difference that raising a family in the gospel provides, the warmth and light of the spirit in their homes and I was given examples that one day I would like to model for my own family. I am blessed. Thank you to everyone who has reached out me, a friend of mine mentioned this to me and I love how it applies, "For someone as dedicated as you were to your mission to come home early can be devastating. Here you have put so much of your heart and life and desire into serving The Lord and now you are finding yourself in the most difficult of positions. It can be heart wrenching and confusing, lonely and painful. I am reminded of the gardener pruning the tree. As I am sure you know the tree sometimes does not understand the pain or reasons the gardener cuts it and causes it pain. But if the tree was not pruned it would not be able to grow as tall or big or even in the right direction. Even the smallest limb cut on the tree can change the entire direction of growth." Its a testament to me that I know that Heavenly Father has a plan for me, granted...I don't quite know what it is yet, but I do know that He loves me and He wants the best for me and just like the gardner, He is helping me to grow in the right direction. I am aligning my will with His and I am putting all my trust in Him. Many have asked what my plans are next, and I have gotten so used to planning day by day, hour by hour..and thats how I am going to take it for the next little bit; day by day. Theres so many things I learned on my mission, that I will carry in my heart forever, but theres one thing in particular that I want to mention...Always have the faith to try. 

I want to share my testimony that I know that this is the gospel of Jesus Christ. This is His church. I will be eternally grateful to Him because He sacrificed His life for all of us, so we could return to live with our Father in Heaven. I know that Christ's gospel can change lives and turn the hearts of people towards the Lord. I have seen what the spirit can do, I have experienced it myself. On October 2nd I will have been a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints for 3 years, I know the blessings that the gospel brings. Three years ago If you would have told me that I'd become a member of the church and then a missionary, I wouldn't have believed you...But I am, and I am grateful for the Lords hand in my life. I wouldn't change anything for the world. My mission is sacred to me, and I will hold it dear to my heart. I know that missions change lives and that they bless families. If you are preparing to serve or are currently serving, never take a moment for granted, even when that door slams in your face. You have planted a seed. I too closed that door on missionaries before, do not be discouraged. I promise you will see the fruits of your labor. I already miss Minnesota and the people we were teaching, However I do know that they are in good hands (: But please keep them in your prayers. There is power in prayer, never underestimate that Heavenly Father is listening. 

Anyways, I do not have a phone yet, it is in Utah and it is being shipped home to me. So feel free to contact me through facebook (ahh its so weird!) and this E-mail. It should be active for a bit. Also if you have questions about my faith, Id love to be your guide so that you can learn the truth of the message of Jesus Christ for yourself, so please ask me or contact some missionaries in your area! 

Again thank you for all of your love and your support.

                    All my love,